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| | Women in a Relationship With Sexually Addicted Men
SOBRIETY DEFINITION:
No checking up on or spying on the addict, trusting that God will reveal any necessary information.
Allowing the sex addict to be responsible for his own actions and recovery---no rescuing.
We are willing to find healthy ways to release our fears and anger and refuse to use anger inappropriately towards the addict.
We are willing to find a sponsor and accountability partners.
Gaining a state of confidence resulting from a reliance and trust in God and myself
Focusing on myself and relying on God to meet my needs
Letting go of control and trusting God for the outcome
Being honest with myself about the need to be in recovery
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The Co-addicts Checklist
The following are typical co-addictive traits. Simply check off the ones which apply to you. The more items you check, the more you will see a co-addictive pattern in your life. A further step is to record in a private journal or notebook as many examples as you can remember for each item checked. The result will be a descriptive picture of your total co-addictive system.
* concealing behavior of the addict
* protecting the addict from consequences of behavior.
* denial of the obvious.
* alibis, excuses, and justifications to others.
* feelings of responsibility for addict's behavior.
* self-righteous criticism and judgement of the addict.
* efforts to confront the addict with his or her "problem".
* feelings of superiority to addict.
* overlooking addict's behavior.
* distrust of others outside the family because of addict.
* rationalizing addict's behavior.
* fantasizing and obsession about addict's problem.
* belief that if addict changed, all problems would disappear.
* efforts to threaten or exact promises from the addict.
* strategies to control sexual activity of addict.
* attempts to "catch" or trap the addict.
* being sexual with addict to prevent the addict from being sexual with others.
* intense mood swings from high to low.
* on-going list of resentments and disappointments.
* feelings of depression and remorse.
* loss of friendships.
* deterioration of family "pride".
* secret pacts with other family members.
* feeling distant from other family members.
* distrust of each other within the family.
* loss of self-esteem of self-respect.
* growing self-doubt and fear.
* feeling unique.
* neglect of spiritual pursuits including prayer & meditation.
* unusual dreams.
* changes in eating or sleeping patterns.
* accidents, illnesses, or injury due to the stress of the addiction.
* loss of time on the job.
* decreased ability to work or function.
* suicide attempts or thoughts.
* efforts to control family expenditures with increasing failure to do so.
* increasing financial problems.
* takeover of duties and responsibilities of addict in effort to keep family life "normal".
* overextension and overinvolvement in work or outside activities
* engaging in self defeating or degrading behavior.
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RECOVERY FROM CO-ADDICTION IN A SEXUALLY ADDICTED RELATIONSHIP
THE PROBLEM
Some time during our lives we came to believe that no one would love us as we are, that we are basically bad and somehow unworthy of being loved. For some of us, these beliefs may have been caused by an abusive or absent parent, or other relationship, during our childhood. We have learned the only person we can rely on and trust is ourselves. We believe that if we have to depend on someone else, our needs will never be met. We also believe that sex is one of the most important signs of love. Throughout our lives we may have had many chaotic relationships. Some of us have become helpless over our own lives; we have failed to hold the addict accountable for his actions. We have been inconsistent with following through on consequences for the addict's behavior. We have given in to his desires, even when it violated our own personal values or boundaries. We have attempted to take control away from the addict physically, emotionally and sometimes financially when he has failed in his responsibilities. We have tried to control the addict's behavior, thinking that as long as he follows our directions, or suggestions, he will stop being a sex addict. We have sometimes
pretended to family, friends, and co-workers, that everything is "wonderful". We have been unforgiving and sometimes punishing toward the addict. Many of us blame ourselves for the addict's behavior: "If only I were prettier, thinner, taller, shorter, etc…. if only I were more sexual" We give in to him, only to lose ourselves in the process. Sometimes we have even participated in his sexual fantasies, or joined in by buying him pornography or renting videos, leaving us feeling used and abused. Some of us ignored or did not recognize the signs that the addict was living a secret life. Many of us blame the addict and his behavior for every problem in our relationship. We believe that if he would only change, everything would be fine. Some of us have mistaken the intensity and excitement of our sex lives for intimacy and love. But we have come to realize there is no real closeness in our relationship and our needs are left unmet.
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One of the most difficult aspects of sexual co-addiction/codependency is admitting our powerlessness over the addict. This continual attempt to affect or control the sex addict renders our lives unmanageable. Behaviors that are familiar to the sexual co-addict/codependent are recognizable and detrimental to both the addict and the co-addict/codependent themselves.
We are dedicated to learning about sexual addiction and becoming partners with our spouse or significant other in recovery.
We realize that we are not responsible for his addiction or recovery. It is not our job to "cure" him. We are willing to start recovery to heal ourselves and start living the life God has planned for us, focusing on our own program and not on the sex addict’s program.
We realize that our group provides a safe place to share our hurts, anxieties, frustrations and also our happiness and victories. We have become willing to face our own defects and work through these feelings in our group.
Ways in which the co-addict/codependent enables the addict and progresses in her or his own illness are through lying about, explaining away, or covering up the sex addict’s behavior. Delusionary thinking of the co-addict/codependent increases by making half-hearted efforts to stop the sex abuse, believing promises – “it won’t happen again,” or by ignoring others’ reports of the sex addict acting out.
Some clues in recognizing one’s co-addiction/codependency might be the constant thinking about the sex addict, looking for clues to the sex addict acting out, checking on amounts of money spent by the sex addict, checking on where the sex addict has been and for how long, or checking in private journals or with friends of the sex addict for clues. Because of the difficulty in admitting our powerlessness over the sex addict, continued attempts to influence the sex addict to quit the acting out escalates. The duration and frequency of these attempts to change or control the sex addict increases the unmanageability in our lives.
Our self-esteem as sexual co-addicts/codependents continually becomes worse. We believe, if we just looked different, or were more intelligent or attractive, we could change the sex addict. We do things to ourselves that are abusive and degrading. Through our co-addiction/codependency we experience loss of memory, insane behaviors or destructive acts against ourselves or others near us. At times, accidents or other dangerous situations produced by our preoccupation with the sex addict occur. Our own sense of boundaries, morals or ethics erodes as our co-addiction/codependency advances in its own debilitating stages. Finally, in the progression of our own illness of co-addiction/codependency our spiritual being, the essence of who we are, is lost.
Letting Go
To let go doesn't mean to stop caring, it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off, it's the realization that I can't control another.
To let go is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another; I can only change myself.
To let go is not to care for, but to care about.
To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to effect their own outcomes.
To let go is not to be protective; it is to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue, but to search out my own shortcomings and to correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes.
To let go is not to criticize and regulate anyone but to try to become the dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past but to grow and live for the future.
To let go is to fear less and love more.
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