Do's and Dont's

According to the Family Life Center International[1], Hearts of Darkness[2] (an anti-pornography organization founded by a recovered pornography addict and his wife), and Porn-free.org[3] (another anti-pornography foundation), the following steps are recommended:

DO:

1. Do learn all you can about breaking a pornography addiction

2. Do contact a hotline or counselor to get assistance in developing an intervention strategy

3. Do confront your husband's problem

4. Do practice "tough love" with your husband. Assist him in overcoming his addiction, but do not enable his addiction by covering up his behavior

5. Do resist any perverted sexual demands from your husband (pornography addicts frequently desire to "act out" the perversions they view)

6. Do resist the false notion that if you make efforts to become "sexier" it will solve your husband's pornography problem

7. Do break secrecy: Sex addicts like to stay in the dark. Family and friends fear embarrassment and judgment if they tell others. Breaking secrecy helps dispel the fear and open doors for getting help, both for you and the addict. Ways to help break secrecy could include joining (or starting) a support group or talking to a trusted friend or family therapist.

8. Do be careful in accepting addiction recovery advice. An addicted husband is more concerned with a selfish fulfillment of his addiction than with how the addiction is harming those around him. Get professional help.

9. Do participate in an organization or activity that can help you and your husband to rebuild intimacy and strengthen your marriage.

10. Do let your spouse vent. He has more pent-up feelings than you probably know.

11. Do pray.

12. Do realize that you can go so far, but he is the one who decides how much he wants out.

13. Do invite an overcoming former pornography addict into the family life for an encouragement to him and as a source of help.

14. Do set boundaries. Let him know that you will not cross those lines.

15. Do show love. People usually don't get into porn to harm or offend others. They are drawn into porn by their own desires, and then discover that they're hooked. Love is one tool that can help rescue them.

16. Do be honest with him. Let him know how his actions make you feel.

17. Do set up computer-use rules such as moving the computer to an open area, using the computer for specific, planned tasks, being online only when family members are around, or adding net safety tools and screens

DO NOT:

1. Do not blame yourself. Men with gorgeous and precious wives turn away from them to use porn. Pornography is addictive and it is a spiritual problem.

2. Do not yell or use accusing statements.

3. Do not enable him by keeping silent or secret. Pornography use is a secret sin. Bringing it to light is the first step in overcoming it, along with his confessing it and admitting his need.

4. Do not stop praying for him.

5. Do not stop loving him.

6. Do not embarrass him in public.

7. Do not threaten to leave (if you are married). Simply making idle threats to leave rarely produces positive results. However, there may be times that it is necessary, for the physical or emotional safety of your children or yourself, that you must either leave or demand that he leave.

8. Do not deny the problem or delay seeking assistance. Although you might be tempted to ignore your husband's pornography addiction, don't. Pornography isn't a problem that gets better with time if left untreated. Involvement with pornography is an escalating habit.

9. Do not condemn the person. Condemnation seldom accomplishes anything more than causing the addict to become defensive and angry.

10. Do not visit the porn sites that your friend or loved one is visiting. It's like jumping in the lake to save a drowning person when you don't know how to swim. One glimpse could give you unwanted memories for a lifetime.

11. Do not enable their habit: If you are doing things that help them continue their sex addiction, we encourage you to stop. You could:

12. Get filtered internet access for your home

13. Set boundaries for behavior and set consequences for breaking them

14. Conduct random checks of their room and computer. Before doing this, ensure your spouse understands that you love him and that you are doing this to help him get free.

Ministry of White's Ferry Road Church of Christ

3201 N. 7th St. West Monroe, Louisiana 71291 * 318-396-6000 * Fax - 318-396-1001