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COMMON
CHARACTERISTICS AMONG CODEPENDENTS
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1
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My
good feelings about who I am stem from being loved by you |
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2
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My
good feelings about who I am stem from receiving approval from you. |
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3
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Your
struggle affects my serenity. My mental attention focuses on solving
your problems or relieving your pain. |
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4
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My
mental attention is focused on pleasing you. |
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5
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My
mental attention is focused on protecting you. |
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6
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My
self-esteem is bolstered by solving your problems. |
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7
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My
self-esteem is bolstered by relieving your pain. |
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8
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My
own hobbies and interests are put aside. My time is spent sharing
your interests and hobbies. |
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9
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Your
clothing and personal appearance are dictated by my desires as I feel
you are a reflection of me. |
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10
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Your
behavior is dictated by my desires as I feel your are a reflection
of me. |
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11
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I
am not aware of how I feel. I am aware of how you feel. |
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12
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I
am not aware of what I want - I ask what you want. I am not aware
- I assume. |
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13
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The
dreams I have for my future are linked to you. |
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14
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My
fear of rejection determines what I say or do. |
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15
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My
fear of your anger determines what I say or do. |
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16
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I
use giving as a way of feeling safe in our relationship. |
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17
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My
social circle diminishes as I involve myself with you. |
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18
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I
put my values aside in order to connect with you. |
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19
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I
value your opinion and way of doing things more than my own. |
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20
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The
quality of my life is in direct relation to the quality of yours.
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CODEPENDENCY
AND CHRISTIAN LIVING
On the surface, codependency messages
sound like Christian teaching.
"Codependents
always put others first before taking care of themselves." (Aren't
Christians to put others first?)
"Codependents give themselves
away." (Shouldn't Christians do the same?)
"Codependents martyr themselves."
(Christianity honors its martyrs.)
Those statements have a familiar ring, don't they?
Then how can we distinguish between codependency, which is unhealthy to
codependents and their dependents, and mature faith, which is healthy.
Codependency says:
- I have little or no value.
- Other persons and situations
have all the value.
- I must please other people
regardless of the cost to my person or my values.
- I
am to place myself to be used by others without protest.
- I must give myself away.
- If
I claim any rights for myself, I am selfish.
Jesus taught the value of the individual.
He said we are to love others equal to ourselves, not more than. A love
of self forms the basis for loving others. The differences between a life
of service and codependency take several forms.
Motivation differs.
Does the individual
give his service and himself out of free choice or because he considers
himself of no value? Does he seek to "please people"? Does he
act out of guilt and fear? Does he act out of a need to be needed (which
means he actually uses the other person to meet his own needs; the helpee
becomes an object to help the helper achieve his own goals).
Service is to be an active choice.
The
person acts; codependents react. Codependents behavior is addictive rather
than balanced. Additions control the person instead of the person being
in charge of their own life.
Codependents have poor sense of boundaries; they help
others inappropriately
(when it creates dependency
on the part of the other person rather than moving that person toward
independence). They have trouble setting limits for themselves and allow
others to invade their boundaries.
A codependent's sense of self-worth is tied up in helping others; Christianity
says that a person has worth simply because he is a human being God created.
Ones self-worth is separate from the work one does or the service one
renders.
Codependents have difficulty living balanced lives;
they do for others at the neglect of their own well-being
and health; Christian faith calls for balanced living and taking care
of oneself.
Codependent helping is joyless;
Christian
service brings joy.
Codependent are driven by their inner compulsions;
Christians are God-directed and can be free from compulsiveness,
knowing that God brings the ultimate results.
DEFINITION
CODEPENDENCY
"In its broadest sense, codependency
can be defined as an addiction to people, behaviors, or things. Codependency
is the fallacy of trying to control interior feelings by controlling people,
things, and events on the outside. To the codependent, control or lack
of it is central to every aspect of life.
The codependent may be addicted to another person.
In this interpersonal codependency, the codependent has become so elaborately
enmeshed in the other person that the sense of self - personal identity
- is severely restricted, crowded out by that other person's identity
and problems.
Additionally, codependents can be like vacuum cleaners
gone wild, drawing to themselves not just another person, but also chemicals
(alcohol or drugs, primarily) or things - money, food, sexuality, work.
They struggle relentlessly to fill the great emotional vacuum within themselves.
" "Love Is A Choice", pgs.11,12
THE TEN TRAITS
OF A CODEPENDENT
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1
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The codependent
is driven by one or more compulsions. |
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2
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The codependent is bound
and often tormented by the way things were in the dysfunctional family
of origin. |
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3
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The codependent's self-esteem
(and, frequently, maturity) is very low. |
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4
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A codependent is certain
his or her happiness hinges on others. |
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5
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Conversely, a codependent
feels inordinately responsible for others. |
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6
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The codependent's relationship
with a spouse or Significant Other Person (SOP) is marred by a damaging,
unstable lack of balance between dependence and independence. |
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7
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The codependent is a
master of denial and repression. |
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8
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The codependent worries
about things he or she can't change and may well try to change them. |
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9
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A codependent's life
is punctuated by extremes. |
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10
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A codependent is constantly
looking for the something that is missing or lacking in life. pg.28 |
QUALITIES
OF A "GOOD CODEPENDENT"
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1
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High-level organization ability. |
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2
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Competence at a wide variety
of tasks and the ability to learn additional ones quickly. |
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3
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Stability and resistance to panic. |
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4
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Skill at diplomacy and emotional
manipulation. |
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5
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Resilience with a high tolerance to pain. |
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6
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High energy, with good resistance
to fatigue. |
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7
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Good administrative skills. |
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8
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The ability to defer gratification
indefinitely. |
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9
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Crisis intervention skills. |
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10
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Strong sense of morality and
of right wrong. |
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11
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Loyalty and a willingness to put the needs of
others before his/her own. |
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12
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Capacity to never ask "What's
in this for me?" |
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13
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The ability to do enormous amounts of work for
a minimal payoff. |
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14
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High level of nurturing and
caretaking skills. |
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15
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Tendency toward over-achievement, leading to
the ability to work consistently at 120 percent of capacity. |
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16
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Gives low priority to emotional
needs and feelings. |
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17
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Has one or more of the following: Migraine headaches,
obesity, depression, and obsessive-compulsive behaviors. |
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18
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Has low self-esteem with a
very dependent personality. It is not likely that a person with high
self-esteem would put up with a fraction of what a codependent routinely
tolerates. |
Adapted from Families under the Influence by Michael
Elkin.
ENABLING
Enabling is defined as reacting to a person in such a way
to shield him or her from experiencing the full impact of the harmful
consequences of behavior. Enabling behavior differs from helping in that
it permits or allows the person to be irresponsible.
- PROTECTION from natural
consequences of behavior.
- KEEPING SECRETS about behavior
from others in order to keep peace.
- MAKING EXCUSES for the
behavior. (School, friends, legal authorities, work, family members.)
- BAILING OUT of trouble.
(Debts, fixing tickets, paying lawyers, providing jobs.)
- BLAMING OTHERS for dependent
persons behavior. (Friends, teachers, employers, family, self.)
- SEEING THE PROBLEM AS THE
RESULT OF SOMETHING ELSE. (Shyness, adolescence, loneliness, child,
broken home.)
- AVOIDING the chemically
dependent person in order to keep peace. (Out-of-sight, out-of-mind.)
- GIVING MONEY THAT IS UNDESERVED/UNEARNED.
- ATTEMPTING TO CONTROL.
(Planning activities, choosing friends, getting jobs.)
- MAKING THREATS that have
no follow through or consistency.
- TAKING CARE OF the chemically
dependent person. (Doing what he/she should be expected to for themselves.)
COMPLIANCE PATTERNS
- I assume responsibility for others feelings and
behaviors.
- I feel guilty about others feelings and behaviors.
- I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
- I have difficulty expressing feelings.
- I am afraid of my anger, yet sometimes erupt in
a rage.
- I worry how others may respond to my feelings,
opinions, and behavior.
- I have difficulty making decisions.
- I am afraid of being hurt and/or rejected by others.
- I minimize, alter or deny how I truly feel.
- I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and
feel the same.
- I am afraid to express differing opinions or feeling.
- I value others opinions and feelings more than
my own.
- I put other people's needs and desires before
mine.
- I am embarrassed to receive recognition and praise,
or gifts.
- I judge everything I think, say, or do harshly,
as never "good enough."
- I am perfectionist.
- I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations
too long.
- I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires.
- I do not perceive myself as a lovable and worthwhile
person.
- I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid
rejection or others anger.
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