Marriage Help
"The Dos and Don'ts of a Good Marriage"
by Louis McBurney, M.D.
from
Focus on the Family
Commitment.
“Commitment” is not a popular word in our culture. Our
society emphasizes individual rights, personal freedom and
mobility. The idea of giving these up because of dedication
to another person or loyalty to a relationship makes a lot
of people feel trapped.
But I
don’t think you can have it both ways. You can’t build a
divorce-proof marriage and remain unbending toward your
personal rights. That doesn’t mean you give up all your
freedoms or choices, but it does mean your commitment to the
relationship supercedes your individual rights.
Commitment means putting your spouse’s needs above your own.
Studies show that the best indicator of marital well-being
is how well each partner feels his or her needs are being
met. I’ve found that when I focus only on my needs and
forget about my wife, I tend to get irritated and
disappointed. I may even begin to imagine how much better
off I’d be with a different wife. On the other hand, I feel
satisfied when I focus on my wife’s needs and how I can
creatively meet them.
Communication.
Someone once said,
“Communication is to love as blood is to the body.” Take the
blood out of the body and it dies. Take communication away
and a relationship dies.
The
kind of communication I’m talking about isn’t just
exchanging information; it’s sharing feelings, hurts, joys.
That means getting below the surface and examining the hows
and whys of daily life.
But
it’s not easy since men and women are different in this
area. Research makes it clear that women have greater
linguistic abilities than men. Simply stated, she talks more
than he. As an
adult, she typically
expresses her feelings and thoughts far better than her
husband and is often irritated by his reluctance to talk.
Every knowledgeable marriage counselor will tell you that
the inability or unwillingness of husbands to reveal their
feelings is one of the chief complaints of wives.
Like
conflict resolution, communication is a learned skill — and
it’s often hard work. Time must be reserved for meaningful
conversations. Taking walks and going out for dinner are
conversation inducers that keep love alive.
Patience.
We live in an instant world — fast foods, cash machines,
computer access to information, direct dial communication
all over the world.
The
problem is we can’t heat up a marriage in the microwave.
Relationships just don’t work that way. Marriage, especially
takes time and care to become really beautiful. That means
learning patience.
When
you put two people — any two — in the same house, you’re
going to have irritations and annoyances. There are times
when I think God designed marriage just to teach me
patience. My wife doesn’t always respond like I wish she
would. And she still expects me to pick up my dirty clothes,
be on time for dinner and remember her birthday You’d think
that after 30 years of marriage, she would have given up on
me. In the meantime I’m considering humoring her a little.
Recently I even put my underwear on the floor next to the
laundry hamper. I wonder how she’s doing with patience.
Beyond the day-to-day quirks and foibles you must accept,
patience is needed for the long haul. It may take years for
you to develop the kind of relationship that’s satisfying to
both of you. A lot of people don’t have the patience to wait
around for things to evolve. But if you’re willing to sit
tight and hang in there, your marriage can be fantastic.
Strong beliefs.
We’re more than a bundle of feelings and physical
sensations. There is an inner core of our being, an eternal
part of who we are, that represents the deepest, most
permanent aspect of marriage. Research shows that couples
with strong religious beliefs are far more likely to stay
together than those without them. It’s the shared morals and
values that hold a husband and wife together. This solid
foundation is a fortress against the storms of life. For my
wife and me, our Christian faithhas been the bedrock of our
relationship. In our 30-plus years of marriage, we have
consistently turned to the Bible for direction, guidance and
comfort.
There
are a lot of problems that can cripple or fatally wound a
marriage. Here are some of the common ones:
Relying on feelings rather
than commitment.
Romantic feelings come and go, and many spouses get nervous
when the flame dies down. They begin to doubt their
relationship and wonder if they married the wrong person. A
lot of those misgivings are fueled by the media, which says
any successful relationship must run on high-octane passion.
You’re setting yourself up for disappointment if you think
marriage will be one long, steamy love scene. Sometimes it’s
pure commitment and persistence that keeps a marriage
together. In all marriages there are times when the tingle
of romance fades. At those times, commitment is the force
that pulls you through.
Being selfish rather than serving.
In today’s world, there are a lot more takers than givers.
When two givers do get together, their marriage is usually
fantastic. When a giver and a taker marry it’s usually
lopsided, out of whack and full of trouble. And the marriage
of two takers can crash and burn within a matter of months.
Selfishness will damage a marriage, but serving will
solidify it.
Allowing marital drift.
In geography class you may have learned about continental
drift, where huge “plates” of earth move slowly and
imperceptibly in opposite directions. The same thing happens
in a lot of marriages. The shift is often so subtle that one
day the partners wake up and say “I don’t really know who
you are anymore.” And how can you keep from drifting? By
talking regularly setting mutual goals for your marriage,
planning the future together, playing together, cultivating
shared interests and fanning the flame of romance.
Letting your eyes and heart wander.
There’s an old song that said, “I keep a close watch on this
heart of mine. I keep my eyes wide open all the time. I keep
the ends loose for the tie that binds. Because you’re mine,
I walk the line.” You know that’s an old song, since the
idea of loyalty doesn’t crop up in lyrics much anymore. I’ve
been around long enough to see how subtly the line
between “friends” and “lovers” can be blurred. What begins
as a pleasant friendship glides silently across the line.
The only way to really avoid those boundary violations is to
watch for the early warning signs. If you begin to notice
that someone lights up your life a little too much, back
off! If you find yourself looking forward to the next time
you can be together, cancel it.
The
media have done us a great disservice by making a big joke
out of affairs and unfaithfulness. By watching TV and
movies, you’d think that everybody is hopping from bed to
bed — and it’s no big deal. The truth is, however, that
sexual infidelity is one of the primary causes of divorce.
Even those marriages that do survive infidelity are greatly
damaged. Here are some things you can do to stay out of that
trap:
Know the truth.
Maximum sexual fulfillment comes in a committed marriage
relationship. So if you really want the best, don’t cheat.
You’ll be cheating yourself as well as your spouse.
Build your emotional
closeness.
The better you get along with each other, the better your
sex will be and the less tempting other people will be.
Confide in your spouse rather than an opposite sex friend.
Becoming emotionally intimate makes sexual unfaithfulness an
easy step. Most affairs begin as an innocent friendship.
Guard your thoughts.
Don’t risk fantasizing about other romantic attachments.
Your actions will tend to follow your thoughts.
Keep romance alive.
Long-term marriage doesn’t have to become dull and boring,
but keeping romance alive takes a conscious effort. It's
your choice to maintain the excitement and enchantment.
These
days, a lot of people put down marriage, like the comedian
who said, “I never knew what real happiness was until I got
married — but by then it was too late.” Or the talk show
host who quipped, “Marriage is a great institution, but I’m
not ready for an institution yet.” In fact, you’ve probably
had friends say “Why would you want to get married?” Don’t
listen to the humbuggers. Good marriages bring fun and
laughter and meaning to life. Even
after
three decades, my wife and I still have a blast being
together. Our love is like a thousand violins playing
Tchaikovsky (for you it might be electric guitars or
synthesizers). It’s the thrill of shared experiences,
building memories and facing new challenges. And it’s so
much more!
Still, I can’t emphasize this enough — marriage takes hard
work and commitment. With divorce so rampant today many
young couples enter marriage with one eye on the exit door.
But it takes an unwavering commitment — not giving yourself
an out — to keep a marriage healthy and thriving. It’s
choosing to be kind and giving and courteous and
affectionate and affirming. That choice is the glue that
will hold you together. Even when the adrenaline rush is
gone and the music fades, the love will live on.
